Definition of Adult Children of Alcoholics
What Is Adult Children Of Alcoholics?
Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families (ACA) is a dedicated 12-step program and support group for adults who spent their childhood in the presence of a caregiver with substance use disorder, addressing the lasting effects that these experiences and traumas can have, as well as their impact on emotional wellness, behaviors, and present-day use of addictive substances like alcohol.
An adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) describes present-day adults who continue to navigate daily life with the learned behaviors, fears, or challenges that stem from their childhood and the experiences of living in a household with a caretaker with alcohol use disorder (AUD). Both the ACA support group and its members are dedicated to offering sympathy and understanding and giving adults the resources and community needed to foster change while challenging the deep-seated impact childhood has on daily life, substance use, and adulthood.
What Are Common Characteristics Of Adult Children Of Alcoholics?
Adult children of alcoholics can have many common traits, and while each situation and story is different, identifying common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics can empower loved ones to identify these challenges and provide necessary support. Some common signs include:
- Difficulty expressing feelings, or unwillingness to open up emotionally
- Fear of abandonment, resulting in people-pleasing tendencies
- Low sense of self-esteem or constant approval seeking
- Fear of upsetting others
- Feeling responsible for the health of the relationship
- Heightened sensitivity to criticism or perceived criticism
- Perfectionist tendencies
- Being repeatedly attracted to potentially toxic, emotionally unavailable, or otherwise potentially detrimental partners or relationship dynamics, including codependency or staying in a relationship with someone with SUD
- Difficulty relaxing, engaging in self-care, or allowing themselves to feel at ease
- Distrust, assumptions, and doubt permeate relationships
- Taking responsibility for others’ challenges, mistakes, or needs
Many ACOAs may even have had early exposure to alcohol in their own lives, facilitating potential problematic relationships, with ACA helping to provide sober structure and change while addressing the effects of childhood experiences.
What Does The Laundry List Mean?
The “Laundry List” is a list of 14 personal characteristics and survival mechanisms common among those who lived through these challenging upbringings. While the laundry list is not intended to diagnose anyone, it is a way of understanding adults, connecting with others, addressing the ongoing impact of childhood traumas, and reaching common ground with peers to engage in healing, sympathy, and finding community.
What Does The Adult‑Children‑Of‑Alcoholics Movement Mean?
The Adult Children of Alcoholics movement is based on the comprehensive wellness of the child who grew up in this environment, focusing on sobriety through the 12 Steps, personal wellness, reparenting, establishing healthy family roles, and building self-esteem.
ACA also empowers adults to navigate personal boundaries, grief, and resentment, using inner child work to contextualize healing and prevent these past experiences from continuing to affect present-day life and decisions.
Family Patterns & Causes
What Family Patterns Define Dysfunctional Homes With Alcoholic Parents?
One of the most common family patterns in homes with at least one parent living with alcohol use disorder (AUD) is unpredictability. These households can experience unwritten or constantly changing rules, varying levels of punishment, or fluctuate between emotional availability when sober and emotional distance or anger when intoxicated.
This inconsistency or unpredictability can lead to confusion and stress, making navigating these households and relationships extremely complicated for children. Some children may also adopt unhealthy ideas around alcohol or substance use, facilitating intergenerational challenges or addiction.
Are Children Of Alcoholics Codependent?
While childhood traumas and personal experiences during these formative years can inform codependent relationships, children of alcoholics are not necessarily always codependent.
What Role Do Authority Figures And Perfectionism Play In These Families?
An adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) may develop a unique relationship with authority figures due to past family experiences. For many, the desire to appease or please authority figures can be a way of trying to feel “safe,” as if doing so can avoid anger, blame, or consequences.
However, this can develop into compulsive perfectionism and hypersensitivity to criticism, as if anything less than perfect would anger these same figures, compromising this necessary sense of safety.
How Does Childhood Trauma Influence Family Dynamics?
Childhood trauma can come in many forms, from physical and emotional abuse to neglect. Living with a parental figure with AUD can also come with emotional unavailability, inconsistent rules or punishments, and feelings of fear, as if a child has to “walk on eggshells” around their own house to avoid being noticed or angering someone.
These patterns can continue to shape familial dynamics and relationships, not only changing how a child defines a “normal” relationship, but also how an adult may engage in or avoid emotional expression to prevent conflict or to avoid asking for help as an ongoing survival adaptation.
Signs of Adult Children of Alcoholics
What Are The 5 Types Of Adult Children Of Alcoholics?
While there is no guarantee that an ACOA will develop a certain way, there are some archetypes that are common among adult children continuing to live with these experiences. These include:
- The Hero: This type is seen as outwardly successful and may attempt to cover up personal challenges, family issues, or other needs through personal accomplishments in personal or professional life. However, underlying feelings of perfectionism can often inform these efforts, heightening feelings of stress and causing an individual to feel responsible for the wellness of the entire family.
- The Scapegoat: Often a child blamed for the issues of the entire family, labeled as “the problem,” and one who bears the blame and ire of family members, despite not doing anything to warrant such blame. This can be incredibly traumatic and lead to low self-esteem and compromised feelings of self-worth that continue to impact adulthood.
- The Lost Child: Defined by withdrawal from not just the family, but from everyday life, with thick boundaries and emotional walls that were developed as a survival mechanism while attempting to stay quiet and out of the way of family issues – behavioral patterns that can also impact future relationships, as well as professional life
- The Caretaker: This type often tries to tend to everyone’s needs, putting others’ well-being before their own and taking on additional responsibilities. For children, this can even result in parentification, acting beyond what should reasonably be expected for their age, or being forced to “grow up” and feel unable to enjoy childhood. However, this can also result in enabling behaviors in the family.
- The Mascot: The mascot may try to distract other family members from daily challenges or needs through humor or other distracting strategies. However, this can lead to a lack of healthy emotional expression or ability to confront challenging situations or ideas, resorting to using humor as a defensive survival tactic.
Do Children Of Alcoholics Have Low Self‑Esteem?
Not necessarily, but traumatic experiences can often lead to lower self-esteem or compromised self-worth.
Do Children Of Alcoholics Have Anger Issues?
While not all children of alcoholics have anger issues, it can be more common, especially if growing up in an environment where expressing emotions may have felt unsafe, leading to a lack of strategies to process or express oneself, or pent-up stress coming out as anger or outbursts.
Do Children Of Alcoholics Have ADHD?
While a child of an alcoholic can have an increased risk of developing ADHD, it is by no means guaranteed.
Do Children Of Alcoholics Have Issues With Depression?
Trauma and a lack of strategies or models for healthy emotional expression, as well as feelings of neglect or abuse, can lead to depression and depressive symptoms that can persist into adulthood.
What Are Common Symptoms Of Anxiety And Depression In ACOA?
Some common symptoms of anxiety and depression in ACOA include:
- Excessive worrying or catastrophizing
- Inability to relax
- Difficulty sleeping or staying asleep, especially if worrying about other responsibilities
- Avoidant behavior or constantly needing reassurance
- Monitoring others’ moods, or expecting others to be upset with, disappointed in, or angry with an individual unless explicitly told otherwise
- Difficulty finding joy in daily life or hobbies
- Feeling emotionally “numb” or distant
- Feelings of hopelessness or pervasive feelings of guilt
- Low self-esteem and self-worth
- Emotional and social withdrawal
Any of these things can be difficult to navigate. Recognizing even some of these signs in a loved one may be a reason to contact a professional or Reflection Family Interventions to learn more about signs of ACOA and the support options available.
Risks & Long-Term Impact on Families
How Many Adult Children Of Alcoholics Develop AUD?
While each situation is different, adult children of alcoholics can be about four times more likely to develop substance use disorder themselves.
This can be due to early exposure and normalizing of addictive substances from a young age, with experimentation and easy access introducing children to these substances early in life. For others, underlying genetic factors, such as a parent having addiction, can influence future relationships with alcohol, increasing the risk of developing addiction.
Working with professionals to understand AUD, as well as plan an effective intervention that addresses personal history, can be crucial.
Are Adult Children Of Alcoholics Likely To Have Eating Disorders?
Being an ACOA does not necessarily mean that a person will develop an eating disorder.
However, there can be some experiences that can increase the risk, such as underlying traumatic experiences, compromised feelings of self-worth, and persistent stress, all influencing dietary habits that can contribute to eating disorders.
Is Being An Adult Child Of An Alcoholic The Same As Having Complex PTSD?
No, but they can be closely connected.
Being an ACOC is an exploration of familial background and experiences and understanding how they affect present-day life, and is not necessarily focused on traumatic events. Complex PTSD (c-PTSD), however, is a specific type of repeated exposure to harmful trauma during childhood, and may or may not be related to addiction. While many children living in a household affected by addiction can also experience these persistent traumas and c-PTSD, others may not.
What Is The Long‑Term Impact Of Dysfunctional Families On Relationships?
Growing up in a dysfunctional family household can have a myriad of lasting effects, from unhealthy ideas of what trust and relationships are supposed to look like to compromised boundaries, as well as inability or uncertainty when it comes to emotional expression, expressing needs, or navigating disagreement.
This can lead to complex relationship dynamics that demand patience and work to address, confronting not only new ideas of trust and emotional safety, but also navigating unhealthy expectations in these relationships as an adult.
How Does Parental Substance Abuse Affect Intergenerational Patterns?
Intergenerational patterns are a set of learned behaviors that encompass communication, behaviors, beliefs, and emotional expression that can be passed down as children learn from parents. Parental substance abuse can impact these through neglect or a lack of a healthy outlet for safe personal or emotional expression, informing expectations in relationships or coping strategies that can further impact future generations.
ACOC are also at an increased risk of developing SUD themselves, further informing intergenerational challenges.
Family Support and Intervention
How Can Families Recognize Dysfunctional Family Patterns Early?
Recognizing dysfunction in a family can be challenging, especially since many dysfunctional elements may have become normalized or feel like part of daily life, without family members really realizing the depth of the dysfunction. Identifying dysfunction involves looking not just at the use of alcohol or addictive substances, but at the familial responses. Some potential signs of dysfunction include:
- Covering for a loved one who is using addictive substances, or ignoring substance use or consequences associated with it
- Providing financial coverage
- Children assuming parental or caretaker responsibilities or roles, such as a child helping a younger sibling get ready for school
- Inconsistent household rules and expectations or punishments
- Avoidant behavior, especially self-isolation due to fear of conflict, arguments, or punishment
- Inconsistent expectations of parental figures leading to a required self-sufficiency for children
- Normalization of substance use, or dismissing the severity of substance use
How Can Families Intervene Without Enabling Alcohol Use Disorder?
Challenging enabling behaviors and taking the first step toward change is difficult. Helping an ACOC loved one with AUD is complicated, and a professional interventionist can ensure that families can approach the situation with education and maintain a fair and effective stance. Contacting Reflection Family Interventionists to explore the situation, learn about enabling behaviors, and understand each person’s unique relationship is part of the complex healing process.
Families can also adopt strategies like:
- Offering to provide transportation to healing facilities, support groups, or either twelve-step programs or programs not based on twelve steps
- Instead of covering expenses for groceries or rent, offering to help create a budget
- Help loved ones realize the extent of their use through financial impact or evidence, rather than emotions, assumptions, or blame
- Committing to healing together
Professional care can also ensure that adult children of alcoholics can provide support while focusing on their own wellness and healing, prioritizing their own wellness and daily life.
How Can Family Members Support Someone With Substance Abuse While Setting Boundaries?
Boundaries are a crucial set of clearly defined expectations and behaviors. Setting boundaries like “We will only talk when sober,” can be clear and easily enforceable while setting expectations and goals, working toward a sober goal while protecting oneself.
Family members are not expected to “fix” a loved one living with addiction. Rather, it is a personal goal and decision to provide support. Setting boundaries ensures that family members focus on their own wellness first while still providing resources like transportation, clear expectations and consequences, and even committing to the healing journey together, all while having clear consequences established for a loved one to make their own decisions for their future.
ACA Meetings
Are ACA Meetings Religious?
No. While Adult Children of Alcoholics is a spiritually-focused 12-step program, it does not subscribe to any particular religion or denomination, nor does it require any faith-based component to join or benefit from.
What Is The Difference Between ACA, Al‑Anon, And AA?
Adult Children of Alcoholics focuses on present-day adults continuing to grapple with the effects of addiction in a caretaker during their childhood, exploring not just present-day beliefs and behaviors that were influenced by a parental figure with addiction, but also working to explore inner child work and heal from these experiences.
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is for those who are looking internally at their own relationship with alcohol in their pursuit of sobriety, which may or may not include a family history. Lastly, Al-Anon Family Groups are for loved ones and supporters coping with a loved one’s addiction and its impact on the family.
What Is The Role Of Sponsorship In ACA?
Sponsorship is a kind of guidance and support by a senior member of ACA who has undergone a lot of hard work in their own healing. Sponsors provide experience, support, and empathy from a real-world perspective, while encouraging healthy practices, maintaining accountability, updating goals, and helping you navigate the steps.
A sponsor is not a therapist, but rather a peer support member and contact with their own experiences and stories to share.
Recovery and Long-Term Support
What Does Healing Look Like For Adult Children Of Alcoholics?
Healing looks different for each person. For many, healing is not about forgetting or distancing oneself from past experiences, but understanding, accepting, and feeling empowered to decide if or how these experiences will shape present-day life.
How Can Adult Children Of Alcoholics Improve Their Relationships?
A major aspect of healing and long-term change is challenging how past experiences affect present relationships, and internalizing that not all relationships are the same or are defined by past parental or familial experiences.
Focusing on communication, avoiding assumptions, and talking about feelings and expectations is the best way to distinguish past experiences from current relationships, resulting in a healthier approach to relationships.
What Role Do Twelve‑Step Programs, Sponsorship, And Support Groups Play?
Feelings of acceptance, understanding, sympathy, and community are powerful. They can be the catalyst that many ACOAs need to truly confront past experiences and recognize the present-day effects of these relationships, all while providing structure, educated support, and camaraderie every step of the way.
How Does Emotional Sobriety Contribute To Long‑Term Recovery?
Emotional sobriety is the ability to recognize one’s emotional state without letting these emotions define actions, staying in control of emotional responses.
This can help to contextualize feelings, prevent rash behavior or assumptions from dictating life, and put a person in control of not just how they respond to stress or assumptions, but also help build emotional resilience, confidence, self-esteem, and agency.
FAQs
Can Adults Affected By An Alcoholic Parent Heal?
Absolutely. However, the journey can be complicated, and outside support is often necessary. Talking about your needs with a professional at Reflection Family Interventions can ensure that you have access to the support and resources you need to begin your healing journey.
Are Adult Children Of Alcoholics Frequently Narcissistic?
There is no significant evidence to suggest that ACOA will develop narcissistic personality disorder.
Do I have to attend AA or Al-Anon if I go to ACA?
No. Each journey is different, and each of these programs offers different forms of support depending on your needs, unique situation, and goals in healing.
Adult children of alcoholics face many challenges, reprocessing and coping with childhood experiences while creating a healthy future. Learn how our family intervention programs can empower present-day change with mental health support and guidance to help your family create a healthy, fulfilling future.